Nigeria’s family life based on outdated culture – Praise Fowowe

Principal Consultant of Centre for Sex Education and Family Life, Praise Fowowe, speaks about his career with JOY MARCUS

What is your educational qualification?

I studied Accounting at the University of Ado Ekiti but that is the last time I did anything in accounting. I have done a lot of research and certification programmes along the line of what I do now.

What stirred your interest in family life and sex education?

As a young person, I had always been interested in the African family and the model I saw was where the man had a say and the woman didn’t. When I started, I was trying to fix the problem of sex education because in 1999, I saw a group of young people in Ajegunle in Lagos and I decided to help rehabilitate them. While I was doing that, I noticed that some of them had been sexually abused. Because I was a victim of sexual abuse while growing up, I was shocked that there was no content about child sexual abuse or education in Nigeria. This made me try to create a solution in that area. As I was trying to fix that problem, I noticed that there was a bigger problem because a lot of couples didn’t understand the system of raising a child and promoting the esteem of the child. As I tried to tackle that problem as well, I began to notice parenting problem. I noticed that the problem is actually the family life problem in Nigeria, which is producing the society that we don’t like. In Nigeria, there is no Ministry of Family Affairs but we have Ministry of Women Affairs. I also noticed that the people who handle family life issues are either pastors or people in ministries who are not professionals. Basically, it was my quest to proffer solutions to some of the problems I was seeing around me. If we can effectively educate a child, then we can fish out the predators because predators prey on the ignorance of the child and many parents don’t know what it takes to teach their children sex education.

What are your views on family life in Nigeria?

The first problem is that it is not structured and there are no templates. If you ask an average family how they run their family, you will find that it is basically based on culture and some of these practices are outdated.

What do you think is the solution?

We have intentionally built a template that a lot of people are now applying in Nigeria, even though we have not made so much progress. Within the last three years, we have trained over 200 certified family life consultants who now work with families. We now promote what we call a sane-centred family life system where the husband is not superior to the wife and the wife is not superior to the husband; they are both teammates. Even though the husband is the head of the family, they are working together and the area of expertise of everyone is taken into consideration. We have modelled it and we have seen reduction in separation and divorce rates. We are pushing for the government to establish a ministry of family affairs that is manned by people who can take people through professional premarital counselling programmes. People need to understand what it means to run a family adequately. There are assessments and tools we have developed that we carry out on people who want to get married to know if they have problems in their lives that if they don’t face or get help with, will sabotage their best interest.

How did you get over the trauma of being abused when you were young?

It was very tough for me because part of the effects of the abuse on me was that I lost control of my sexuality. There were no books or therapy and my first point to turn to was the church. I got born again and started learning in the fellowship on my campus. That helped a little but not so much until I began to read books. I discovered that it was not the genital, rather it was the mind. I started the process of training my mind. I had to learn how to forgive, heal and let go of things that happened to me and see the brighter side of things.

What is your take on the Child Rights Act in Nigeria?

We need to appreciate our government, especially Lagos State, because they have done a lot, unlike other states. We love the fact that the law has been domesticated in other states, even though we still have some of them that have not been able to pass it into law. I think that we do not have respect for children, even in our culture. The Yoruba culture for instance, we say that when an adult is talking to a child, the child cannot look at the adult’s face. That is why we beat children; not because they deserve to be beaten but because our parents beat us. I think what the Child Rights Act has done is to raise awareness on how to treat children.  It will prevent low self-esteem that we experienced while growing up and parents will actually have respect for their children. Also, paedophiles will no longer go free.

Do you think the government is doing a great job of improving the welfare of the Nigerian child?

I think the Lagos State government has improved the structures and welfare, even though a lot more can be done because we need to see more people prosecuted and sent to jail. Kaduna and other states are also trying to do things. It is a lot of work for us to get back to doing the right thing and we shouldn’t forget that this is a country where we rather do more physical projects than human capacity development. However, I must appreciate the past and present governors of Lagos State because they have raised the bar.

What challenges do you grapple with?

The major challenges are that we do not have so many professionals in my sector. Anybody that can read the Bible or Quran can suddenly become a professional, which doesn’t happen in civilised countries. Government should realise that there is a problem and be willing to accept what works and allow people who can help do it. I think most people we have trained are from government establishments. We are a religious nation; so, a lot of the religious houses are a bit wary about therapy but we thank God that some of the churches and mosques are sending some of their counsellors to our classes to learn.

What inspired the theme of your conference, Family System and Socio-Political Unrest?

The United Nation’s theme for this year is the ‘family and inclusive society’ and that is very broad. We are looking at the elections next year and we keep asking: are some people’s children going to die next year because they want to support a particular candidate? In all my years of observing elections in Nigeria, I have never seen a child of any candidate get killed; it is always the children of the poor. What is it about these families that make it easy for their children to get killed anyhow? We felt that we should look at the physical problems in our polity. Lately, there is the issue of youths abusing drugs such as tramadol and codeine. The question is why? As a therapist, when you see these things, it tells you that there is something they are running away from and what they run into is drugs. We decided to see how we can help in the conference and hopefully proffer solutions too.  We are also going to break the family life into eight different sub-sections, train the delegates at the conference and give them a curriculum that they can deploy in their communities.

What’s your advice to young people?

Young people need to understand that at the end of the day, they won’t be able to blame anyone. You can sit in one place and blame the president for how you turn out, but the truth is that there are young people who live in the same countries and are doing incredible things. You need to take responsibility for your life. I always ask young people to determine what makes them happy and fulfilled and give all their energy to it. Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg don’t have two heads and you can achieve whatever you put your mind to. Hold on to you dream and don’t give it up to the Nigerian situation. Give it your best and leave the rest to God.

Who are your role models?

My mum taught me everything I know but over time, I have also learnt a lot from a lot of other people. The late Dr Myles Monroe was a major influence in my life before he passed on and I worked with the late Pastor Bimbo Odukoya. Also, a young man called Olakunle Soriyan and Pastor Sam Adeyemi.

How do you balance your career and family?

That is why we created the family system engineering. When I am home, I am home and I spend time with my wife and children every evening. I don’t allow my work life to affect my family life.Related News

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How did you meet your wife?

We were in school together and she was my mentee. We were close but there was nothing like love. She went to do her Master and came to volunteer in my company then because I had just pulled out of paid employment. That was how the love started to grow.

How do you relax?

I play music and I love football. I am a Manchester United fan and I go to the beach and relax because I love nature.

How do you like to dress?

I am an informal person; I love to wear jeans and trainers. The last time I wore a tie and a suit was about 10 years ago and I think it was for an award ceremony.